How to Write the Most Obnoxious Romance Possible

Friday, December 20, 2013

  Since I've been doing nothing but posting reviews here lately out of pure lack of ideas, I've subsequently decided to make a few 'How-to's' in an attempt to educate all of you adorable budding young authors out there. So, this is a quick lesson on how to create the most irritating, frustrating, snore-worthy love story possible!

Step One: Create a main character. Actually, you know what, don't even. Just take a transparent version of yourself and stamp her right onto the page. You'll be writing exclusively in first person anyway, right?

Step Two: Put your main character in some boring suburban town in the middle of nowhere full of nothing but white people. Make her the outcast for no particular reason, too, because everyone loves an underdog who never, EVER wears makeup or does anything remotely interesting and does nothing but complain.

Step Three: Enter the hot main guy {!!} Make sure he's absolutely physically flawless in every way, so readers won't notice that he has no real personality and is actually kind of creepy. Basically, stick classic sociopath behavior into an attractive husk that might be an angel/demon/vampire/werewolf/god/Cthulu. Go, you!

Step Four: Well, obviously HOT MAIN GUY and BORING MAIN CHARACTER are going to end up together, but you've essentially written ten pages, so you're going to need to draw this out for a painfully long time to really bring in the big bucks. Why not try...

       1) Creepy rapist situation! HMG stalks BMC, who vehemently attempts to throw off his unwanted affections due to foggy reasoning. HMG makes continuous references to danger, sex, and dangerous sex, and this wins the BMC over. Eventually.

       2) You-saved-my-life, let's-procreate situation! BMC, who is actually physically incapable of doing anything on her own, has her life saved by HMG. BMC decides this means she should love HMG, despite knowing nothing about him. Terrible forced romance ensues.

       3) TEEN ANGST situation! BMC finds herself 'inexplicably drawn' to HMG, and eventually uncovers his twisted past. Decides to pity-love him because of her own, equally disturbing history, and they decide to make sad, angsty love in a dark bedroom by the train tracks while crying and awkwardly touching each other's scars.

Step Five: If you honestly believe that this is plot enough for you and your beloved HMG, move on! Go ahead and publish. You deserved it. If you're one of those who feels like you might be lacking a little something, it's time to come up with some sort of weird conflict/plot whose only duty is to get pushed aside by the steamy {and possibly uncomfortable romance between the HMG and BMC. Just come up with something off the top of your head. Honestly, you can do it in five seconds. Here, I'll time you.






Got it? Okay! Now, just sort of awkwardly wedge that plot in there. Now, stand in front of the mirror and try to keep a straight face while practicing your reasoning for why your book is 'deep.' {Don't panic, it's not supposed to be deep in any way at all. You and I both know that you just wrote that shit to jerk off to, but does America really need to?} 

Congratulations. Your novel is complete! Now just find an agent dumb enough to represent you and publish that sucker with some big company that's fallen to shambles in the last decade. Then rake in the moolah and drink a gallon of alcohol for each week your byooootiful literary masterpiece stays on the NY Times Bestseller list. You've deserved it, you asshole.

{Please note that this was only meant to be extremely offensive to people who actually write this way. Fuck you guys.}